I didn’t realise I had a boundary problem… because on the outside, it just looks like Im loving people well. If someone needed something, I was there. If something came up, I’d say yes. If there was tension, I’d try to smooth it out and fix it. For me, this is what I thought maturity looked like. Like… this is what it means to be a good Christian. You show up. You give. You don’t make things about yourself.
God started to show me something in these moments… and I didn’t really pay attention to them at first because I was busy performing, doing the Good Christian Girl facade. It would be right before I said yes to something. This moment where id Just… check in with God with a slight hesitation. And I’ve realised since then… those moments matter more than we think they do because God is speaking and he’s a gentleman, he rarely interrupts us when we are off on a tangent.
Often, He gives you a pause, or that feeling of hesitation, and the biggest one is the lack of peace. Like something in me would hesitate for a second. And instead of listening to that, I’d just move past it. Say yes anyway. It wouldn’t show up immediately. It would be later on when I felt it. And I didn’t have language for it at the time… but now I can see it clearly. That hesitation wasn’t confusion or my insecurities flaring up. It was discernment.
In Colossians 3:15 it says, “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.” And that word rule means to act like an umpire… to decide, to determine. So when I override that checkpoint, it’s so clear now, I was saying Yes to people and No to the peace God had for my life, and the blessings I’d been praying so diligently for..
It’s not something that would happen straight away. Sometimes it would take a bit to recognise, feeling stretched, overwhelmed, and drained, and that off feeling. The confusing part was that I wasn’t doing anything “wrong.” I was trying to love people well, but something inside just felt unsettled. Then comes the exhaustion, a whole new level of tired, it’s not your normal tired, it runs deeper. Like something in me was constantly being pulled from, and I couldn’t figure out why my spoons seemed to disappear so quickly for the day.
I was praying diligently, spending time with God. Still doing everything I knew to do. But I was way beyond normal exhaustion. Something was off; my sails had been pulled down I had no wind in them. I took some time sitting with that and realised I wasn’t tired because of what God had asked me to carry. I was tired because of everything else I’d picked up along the way that he never called me to. I recognised that not everything that I’d been carrying was from God; I was more often being obedient to people’s needs and not God.
Some of it rose from pressure. Some of it was an expectation you never stopped to question. In Matthew 11:28–30, Jesus says, “My yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” So if what I’m carrying feels constantly heavy and depleting. I have to ask… did that come from Him? These things looked good. They felt loving. But God had never actually called me to them.
And that’s when this whole thing around boundaries started to become really clear for me. Because I’d always thought boundaries were a bit… harsh. Like they created distance. Or made you seem cold. Or like you didn’t care. But then I came across Proverbs 4:23 in a completely different way.
“Guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” God doesn’t say ignore your heart or give your heart to everyone. He doesn’t say it’ll just sort itself out. He uses the literal word guard.
Guard = to watch over, protect, preserve, and control access to something valuable
To guard is to
- Keep something safe from harm
- Being alert and watchful
- Actively deciding what is allowed in and out
There is no passivity to the action of guarding. It’s intentional protection with authority.
In Hebrew, which is the original language of Proverbs, because the Old Testament wasn’t written in Greek or Aramaic first — it was written in Hebrew,
Word used: נָצַר (nāṣar) Pronunciation: naw-tsar
Meaning:
To guard, keep, watch over, preserve
To maintain something carefully
To protect something precious or hidden
In a Deeper sense its like
– guarding a vineyard
protecting something entrusted
keeping something under careful watch
It implies there’s an ongoing, active attention — not a one-time action.
In Greek (Septuagint / New Testament concept)
τηρέω (tēreō)
Pronunciation: tay-reh-oh
Meaning:
To keep, guard, observe, preserve
To hold firmly and protect from loss
To attend carefully to something
It’s often used in the New Testament for:
keeping God’s commands
holding onto truth
maintaining something faithfully
Aramaic doesn’t have a direct “original” version of Proverbs 4:23, but the equivalent idea is expressed through:
נְטַר (neṭar / natar)
Pronunciation: neh-tar
Meaning:
To guard, keep, watch over
To protect closely
To retain and preserve
All of these carry a very similar sense to the Hebrew:
watchfulness + protection + responsibility
It actually means… not everyone and everything gets access. For me, that can be a very uncomfortable place. Because often, love to me means access. To most people, love means access, and if I truly loved people, I’d always be available. But it’s not what scripture actually shows us. When you look at Jesus… He wasn’t constantly available. In Mark 1:35–38.
Jesus had just been healing people, crowds were still coming, and needs were everywhere.
Then it says He got up early and went off to a solitary place to pray. The disciples came looking for Him and said, “Everyone is looking for you.” That’s a lot of pressure, but Jesus says: “Let us go somewhere else… so I can preach there also.” He didn’t go back. He left people who still needed Him… because He knew what He was actually called to do. He didn’t respond to everything.
Luke 5:16 says He often withdrew. See that word, Often. Which means there were often moments where people needed Him… and He stepped away anyway. And why is this important… It’s because Jesus wasn’t led by urgency. He was led by the Father. In John 5:19 He says He only does what He sees the Father doing.
So even when there was need… He still filtered it through obedience. Now this is when it really hit me, I’d been living as if someone needed me… I had to stay. I had to be available to them. But Jesus didn’t live like that. He didn’t respond to the need alone. He responded to the Father.
I don’t know about you, but ive had to sit with that for a bit. Mostly because it exposed something in me. Why do I say yes so quickly? Why do I stay in things longer than I should? Why do I carry things that don’t even belong to me? And if I’m honest… it wasn’t just about helping people. There is fear in it. Fear of letting people down. Fear of being misunderstood. Fear of creating distance. Really, what you’re looking at here was fear as part of my identity
And scripture actually names that clearly.
In Proverbs 29:25 it says, “The fear of man will prove to be a snare.” A snare is something that traps you right… often without you even realising it. Because when you’re used to being the one people come to, or if you don’t turn up how someone expects you to, you begin to wonder if your only value is in how you show up for them. And it can feel like that’s where your value sits. So in this space, boundaries don’t just feel like a decision; they actually feel like a loss.
In Luke 10:38–42, you see Mary and Martha.
Martha is doing everything right on the outside. She’s serving. She’s preparing. She’s showing up, you know she’s doing all the things, but she becomes frustrated… because her value has become tied to her role. And Jesus doesn’t affirm the activity. He says Mary chose what is better. That’s kinda hard to hear when you’ve been working hard.
Why? Because Mary’s position was rooted in being with Him… not proving herself through what she did. I don’t know about you guys, but there’s definitely been times where ive had to step back because I was more focused on proving myself over choosing the right thing and being obedient to the call God placed on my life.
Then you see it again in Galatians 1:10. Paul says, “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God?” Because when your value is shaped by how people respond to you…you will struggle to set boundaries.
Honestly, the action of boundary setting seems simple; you know what to do, but that fear kicks in because we think we are losing something. Maybe its Approval. Connection or Identity, and this is where we can go deeper: Is my identity anchored in God or function?
“If I show up, I matter.”
“If I help, I’m valuable.”
“If I’m needed, I belong.”
This is not how God defines you. Ephesians 1:6 says you are accepted in Him. That comes before anything you do. So when you step back… when you say no… when you stop showing up in the same way…it can feel like a loss of identity.
But then this Scripture in Galatians 6:5 started making more sense. “Each one should carry their own load.” And I realised… I’ve been helping people in my life, but I’ve also been carrying. And those aren’t the same thing.
Help support someone. Carrying replaces them. And when you carry what someone else is meant to carry… You don’t just drain yourself… You actually interrupt what God is doing in them. That was a hard one to swallow. Because it meant some of what I thought was love… wasn’t actually helping. And earlier in that same chapter, it says to carry each other’s burdens. So both are true. We help… but we don’t take over. We support… but we don’t replace.
And I had crossed that line in the past without realising it. I started noticing patterns from there on, tiredness, frustration, moments of feeling like ive got nothing in the bank to give out. And obviously underneath all that was a quiet resentment. Not towards anyone specific, but towards the situation I’ve gotten myself into time and time again. Not that I was doing too much… but that I hadn’t been honest somewhere. I’d said yes when I should’ve said no. You can love people deeply and still step back; empathy should move you toward compassion, but not compromise. And the thing with boundaries is…
They’re actually really simple. Matthew 5:37 says, “Let your yes be yes, and your no be no.” That’s it. So, although they are simple, it doesn’t mean easy. No often means that not everyone is going to be comfortable. You don’t get to hide behind the easy Fix. You just gotta be clear and trust that obedience is enough.
One of the hardest parts for me was realising that im not responsible for how people respond to my boundaries. Which is challenging, when you just wanna please people, and you want them to feel okay, for things to stay peaceful. But that is, in a sense, a form of manipulation. You can’t always expect to be able to manage someone’s reaction, especially around boundaries that make them uncomfortable. In Romans 12:18 it says, “As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Which means… sometimes it doesn’t fully depend on you.
My obedience is to stay compassionate, not to compromise my walk with the Lord, but if my obedience is dependent on someone else’s reaction… then I’m not actually being led by God. Jesus set boundaries… and people didn’t always understand Him. Some people walked away. A lot of people questioned Him. And He didn’t adjust His obedience to keep their approval. And slowly, as I let this biblical principle seep into me, something started to shift.
I stopped saying yes automatically. I started pausing in those moments where I used to override that check. And I started asking… “God, is this mine?” Not, “Is this good?” or “Does this help someone?” But… “Did you give this to me?” And often the answer is no. Because not everything good is yours to carry. And not every need is your assignment.
Boundaries don’t reduce love. They protect it. When you’re not overextended… You can show up properly for the relationships you’re called to. Not the ones that drain you, or frustrate you, and you’re in because of pressure, but the covenant relationships God called you to. Resentment is replaced by presence, and this is a space you’re actually able to love well from.
And I think for a lot of us… God is gently highlighting areas right now, places where we’ve been carrying too much, maybe listening to too many others’ expectations or criticisms, and we have given too much access. Where your yes has been shaped by pressure instead of obedience.
Let’s get one thing straight: God isn’t asking us to pull back from Love; he’s asking us to come back into alignment, to Guard what He gave us. To trust that you don’t have to be everything to everyone, purely because he never called you to that. You are called to be faithful with what God has placed in your hands. When thats ur hearts posture, you don’t become less loving, you just get clearer, quicker on what you’re called to. There is something really powerful about that, when your love stops being driven by pressure and starts being led by truth. Because what is entrusted… is meant to be guarded. Not out of fear but out of stewardship.
And when your life is led by that… you don’t lose love. You protect it.
